Sofia Vergara and Speedos? Just the usual summer politics

Phil: Here we are in August, and Augusta and Washington are all but dormant. Have you noticed how life still marches on even without government in our lives? Maybe we Republicans are on to something.

Ethan: I may have soaked in a bit too much California sun on my current vacation but not that much. The government’s importance is still alive and thriving.

Phil: How was your trip to the left coast?

Ethan: It’s been great, thanks for asking. What have I missed back home?

Phil: Well, we had the revelation that a Republican state Senate candidate appeared in a video advertisement for coconut water wearing a Speedo. And we discovered the state of Maine ended the fiscal year $58 million in the black.

Ethan: Great, another coconut running for the Legislature and some unexpected money to spend. Can I go back to the beach now?

Phil: Hang on. Did you hear about your mentee Sen. President Justin Alfond, D-Portland, railing against charter schools?

Ethan: Sure did.

Phil: Did you hear he was the commencement speaker at the charter school in Good Will-Hinckley? How does one denounce an educational option and then pay tribute to the same? Do you think it is because the Maine Academy of Natural Sciences is run by a Democrat?

Ethan: I think it’s because the Hinckley school didn’t align itself with a political think tank, like the Baxter Academy for Technology and Science in Portland did with the conservative Maine Heritage Policy Center.

Phil: Align is too strong a term. “Held a function for” might be better.

Ethan: Either way, I run a school, and I never, ever, allow political organizations of any kind to use our facilities. I won’t even allow our name to be used as co-sponsor for community events or demonstrations.

Phil: You are the exception. Most all other taxpayer funded education systems are fiercely dedicated to the notion that only unionized institutions can prepare children for a geometrically changing world and economy.

Ethan: Union or no union, Baxter must be hypersensitive. When I have a graduation, I always seek balance. At one graduation, Gov. Paul LePage gave the keynote. At the next, it was Alfond.

Phil: So perhaps Alfond will swallow some of his harsh words when Baxter invites a left-leaning organization to use its facilities.

Ethan: The smarter thing is for Baxter to stay out of politics altogether. Educating kids should be its only focus. But can we talk some more about the Speedo guy, Eric Brakey of New Gloucester? What is up with your people? I hope they never find the pictures of me from my theater days.

Phil: You’re safe. Democrats don’t have to concern themselves with such things, only Republicans. By the way did you happen to cross paths with the president while you were gallivanting with the beautiful people in Los Angeles?

Ethan: I didn’t. But I did cross paths in Venice with actress Sofia Vergara from Modern Family and “Wojciehowicz” from the comedy television show Barney Miller when Mary and I ate dinner in Malibu. Do you have any idea who these people are?

Phil: We actually receive a cable television signal all the way out in Yarmouth, and when the Patriots, Celtics, Red Sox or Bruins aren’t on I stumble onto these programs of which you speak.

Ethan: Oh, c’mon, you know if it isn’t Boston sports, you only watch reruns of the television series Firing Line with William F. Buckley Jr.

Phil: I prefer The McLaughlin Group, thank you very much. However, I was going to ask you how President Barack Obama responded when you asked him, “If Al-Qaeda is on the run, why are we shutting down embassies in fear of another imminent terrorist attack?”

Ethan: Well, when I asked Obama that question, he said “on the run” does not mean “defeated.” Adolf Hitler was “on the run” from at least D-Day, and that was almost a year before the Third Reich fell. The south was on the run for two years after Gettysburg. Heck, George Washington was “on the run” for two years before the British let down their guard and started making mistakes. Don’t you agree that vigilance is imperative until the war is over?

Phil: Oh, you mean keeping in place and expanding the policies for which he maligned former-President George Bush?

Ethan: Sad, but true.

Phil: He must have read the “holy bleep” file and decided America was best served by being vigilant, as you say. Hey, just one more thing before you go back to the Hollywood crowd. Did you hear that the Justice Department has issued arrest warrants in the assassination of our ambassador in Libya?

Ethan: I missed that, but I am glad to hear U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder is doing such a good job. Is that why you brought it up?

Phil: Actually I was hoping you could let our readers know why the video producer who, according to Hillary Clinton and Obama was responsible for the alleged riot in Benghazi, is still in jail.

Ethan: Um, because he was convicted of bank fraud in 2008, and he violated his probation by using aliases and lying to his probation officer.

Phil: And, tell us, who gave the order for our military to stand by and watch four Americans get assassinated? Do you think it was Obama’s senior adviser Valerie Jarrett?

Ethan: I think it was former Deputy White House Counsel Vince Foster. Oh, wait a minute, Hillary Clinton already killed him. Can I go back to the beach now?

Phil: Just try to keep your head out of the sand.

Ethan: That’s easy with Mary lying beside me in a two-piece.

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